Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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