the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
