his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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