If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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