he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
