I cockslap morals
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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