My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
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Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
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This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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