I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
