I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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