You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
