Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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