I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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