I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
