Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
