I'm so fucking centered right now
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
