I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
