omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
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I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
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I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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