I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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