and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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