So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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