you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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