I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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