I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize