Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
