his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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