there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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