I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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