I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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