I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
