I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Randomize
