he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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