Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
