im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
