I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
