Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
