Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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