I chose taco bell over sex...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
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He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
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I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??