Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.