I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i was born a porn star she said
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?