We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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