If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
