i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
