I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
