I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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