Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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