i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
