Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
