my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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