dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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