Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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