Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
