I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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