I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
