Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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