I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
