I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
