if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
