He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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