Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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