new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
