happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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